Dialogue In An Empty Classroom
by ObnoxiousSpontaneousCombustion
Summary: All-dialogue Dramione DMHG oneshot in which Draco asks Hermione "a simple question" and her and Ron. T for kissing and minor references, nothing very racy, but I'm paranoid. Humor and fluff.


"Hey Granger! Granger, wait up!"

"Wait for you? Why? Isn't Mr. Malfoy constantly ahead of everyone and everything?"

"Spare me your witticisms, you insufferable know-it-all. I have a question."

"A question?"

"Yes, Granger, a question. You know, for a know-it-all, you're exceptionally dim-witted."

"Just ask me the question, Malfoy."

"Alright. I'd like to know what the deal is with you and that blood traitor Weasley."

"That's not a question."

"You're avoiding having to answer by getting all technical on me. You know it as well as I do. So, are you two dating? Funny, I don't see how any girl would want to be anywhere _near_ Weasley, let alone _snog_ him, except maybe that slut Lavender Brown. But then again, you aren't known for your good taste in men, are you? Hanging out with The Boy Who Bloody Lived and all nineteen hundred Weasleys."

"Why do you care?"

"It's a simple question."

"No, it's not. It's a question asked for the sole purpose of being able to insult my friends."

"That's not true."

"You didn't answer my question."

"What?"

"I asked you why you cared."

"Well why do you care why I care?"

"I don't. It's a simple question."

"Don't you dare "it's a simple question" me, Granger. I _invented_ "it's a simple question"."

"Well what are you going to do? Trademark "it's a simple question"?"

"No, Granger, I'm just going to make you stop using it."

"And how, may I ask, are you going to do that?"

"Using my secret weapon."

"Oh, you think your Dark Mark is going to scare me? Well let me assure you that I'm not quite as cowardly as some of your friends."

"I wasn't talking about my Dark Mark, you insufferable mudblood."

"Then what were you talking about?"

"You'll see if you keep annoying me."

"I will, will I?"

"Yes. And I suggest for both of our sakes that you answer my original question before I'm forced to use it."

"You think you can scare me with your "secret weapon"? I don't even believe you've got anything."

"I'm warning you, Granger. You're not going to like it."

"Oh dear, I thought your secret weapon as going to be _pleasant_. How silly of me."

"Just answer my question."

"Which one?"

"Are you and that bloody Weasel going at it behind the scenes?"

"Malfoy!"

"Look, I've made you blush. Hey everybody, I've made the famous Hermione Granger blush!"

"You do realize nearly everyone's gone?"

"I can scream louder if you want."

"So is that your secret weapon?"

"Oh no, Granger. Not even close. My secret weapon is ten times worse and ten times more embarrassing for both of us."

"Both of us? You'd risk damaging your spotless reputation while unleashing your secret weapon on your old enemy?"

"Yes I would, provided I took you down with me."

"Now I'm curious. What is this weapon you've been bragging about for the past ten minutes?"

"Has it been ten minutes? Time flies when you're having fun."

"Look, Malfoy, I really have to go to my next class, so if you'll just get to the point, I'll be…"

(…)

"What was that?"

"That, Granger, was my secret weapon. Very effective, isn't it? You were quiet for nearly fifteen seconds."

"So your "secret weapon" is kissing?"

"Don't act so surprised, Pansy will tell you that it's a very effective weapon indeed."

"On mindless drones like Pansy Parkinson, maybe, but not on me."

"Really? Then may I ask how I got you to shut that know-it-all mouth or yours and why it is you're blushing?"

"I'm not blushing!"

"You're blushing more than when I made that comment about you and Weasley. What's the matter, Granger? Never been kissed before?"

"Of course I have. That's ridiculous."

"Like I believe any man in his right mine would want to kiss you."

"Depends. Do you consider that Viktor Krum is in his right mind?"

"Viktor Krum? That old bat that plays for Bulgaria? Nowhere near."

"How about Cormac McLaggen?"

"You're not serious. You kissed McLaggen? I was certainly right about your taste in men."

"And you."

"What?"

"Well you kissed me, didn't you? Would you consider yourself of sane mind?"

"Well naturally I'm of sane mind! However, I did not kiss you."

"I fear you're suffering from brain damage, Malfoy."

"Well I did, but there was nothing _romantic_ about it. Consider it slapping with lips."

"Slapping with lips?"

"Yes. Instead of covering your forever-articulating mouth with my hand, I covered it with my lips. It works just as well, and you had one heck of a look on your face afterwards."

"That's what kissing is, you pureblooded prat. Covering someone's lips with your own."

"No. You see, if you had more experience in this field, you'd understand the subtle differences between kissing and slapping with lips."

"Who says I'm not experienced?"

"I do. Everybody does. You're Hermione bloody Granger. _Denis_ _Creevey_ is more experienced than you."

(…)

"Ouch! What was _that_ for, you vicious little mudblood?"

"First of all, I am not a _mudblood_. I'm muggleborn, and if you dare use that word again in front of me you'll get much more than a slap across the face, I can assure you. Understand?"

"All I understand, Granger, is that you…"

(…)

"I… you… what the hell was that for?"

"I'm sorry Malfoy, but I had to find a way to make you shut up."

"You _kissed_ me."

"Don't sound so disgusted. After all, you kissed me first."

"I did not! I thought we'd established that that was slapping with lips."

"Well so was that."

"No it wasn't! That was kissing."

"What's the difference?"

(…)

"_That_ is slapping with lips. And _this_…"

(…)

"… is kissing. Alright, Granger?"

"I'm sorry, I still can't tell the difference."

"You exasperate me."

(…)

"What do you think you're doing?"

"Slapping with your lips with mine."

"No no no, Granger! You were practically _snogging_ me."

"Do you want me to continue or not?"

"Alright. But for the record, we are _not_ snogging in an empty classroom."

"Of course not."

"Carry on then."


End file.
